My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
