We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
