halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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