I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
