Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
