I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
