Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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