I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Swine flu is the new snow day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
