when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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