it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
