New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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