I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
