Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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