he wants to bone in the snuggie
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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