You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
