Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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