happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
