also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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