Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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