My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
