I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
