First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
