Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
