After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
