I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
