i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
