One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
