i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
