Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
