Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
