Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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