I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
