better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
