You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
