Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
