don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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