I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
