Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
