totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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