oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
