My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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