I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
