At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
