I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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