I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
