I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
