Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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