only if we run a train.
done.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
