Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
