Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
