I think my fart just growled at me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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