Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
