**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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