I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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