The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
