Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can I color on your dick again?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
