sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
