I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
