first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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