I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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