Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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